this is me...all seran wrapped up and ready to go

its taken me close to 25 years to accept that Im a hopeless romantic
now im very comfortable with that

ya i made a good choice
new york is pretty awesome
im lose lbs every day because its so hot and i know its just the beginning
looking for an apt is hell and my feet hurt and i hate brokers

but the weather is amazing and ive been wearing nothing but  dresses since thursday
and the rents have gone down a lot and i might actually find a studio in hells kitchen
i start work tomorrow and am nervous
but atleast i get to drink wine and eat ice cream with friends on their patio

i still miss him though
we've talked everyday since i left
but i dont know how long that will go on

this is really hard
the hardest thing ive done in a long long while
god i miss him
i havent even left yet
he tells me now he loves me

i wanted this
i knew it would be hard to move
and i wanted to challenge myself
and im doing it

im so excited
im moving to new york in 7 hours
but i might never see him again

i would do anything. for this job
there is no job or nothing else i want more right now
it is the opportunity of a lifetime
i have people on my side
 people making calls for me
i already staged.. now an interview
oh job i hope i get it

how do i not feel crushed if i dont

really?
he broke my heart 4 years ago.. and now a booty call

but the worst is that i might be interested

damn

New York was amazing
I was soo bitter and burnt out when i went there and had the best time
I cant wait to live there

Work is still hard, really hard
The ups and downs lately have been hard
I havent been this depressed in a very long time
The thing is I'm not really depressed
just at work

Like right now im in a great mood
and in two hours i will feel stupid, anxious and out of control

Im going to try to go the gym tomorrow maybe that will help

on another, but really the same note
guys are weird
apparently when you ignore them it does make them like you more

the thing is I'm not ignoring him on purpose at all
I'm just stressed
but the cuddles help

i am ... exhausted, stressed out, panicked... and everypart of my body hurts,
one more day,, then new york
and as excited as i should be and am
all i can think about is how i will be even more tired when i get back and start to panic about next week at work

i feel weak for letting a job affect me this way
i constantly feel stupid at work
i want to cry, punch walls and throw large objects

i really just want to spend a sunday asleep in his arms

i wonder if this will ever get any better

I like it when I can still smell his deodorant on my skin, Im gonna miss that
how did a rebound, a fling, someone I told myself i would not get attached to
end up lasting 8 months
jesus 8 months

i wonder if I will ever see him when I move to new york
will we keep in touch?
will i want to

and why is it that when i distance myself,
when I'm too tired, frustrated and pissed off from work
when I'm too exhausted to pay attention to him
he missed me, and hes becomes super sweet

life definately does not care what you have planned for yourself

left my house at 12 yesterday, a bit hungover for brunch, bloody marys, shots of tequila and some beers later, i embark to bernal heights for the first time ever, misson pie on the way there... yummm pie

go to the head bartender at Mina, boris' bday party, show up at 6, stay until 1, oh ya my fricking chef showed up, proceeded to drink a lot, he actually handed me a bottle of fernet

luckly im a very good drunk and did nothing embarassing around him, and handled myself quite well


i am now very hungover, and this post is reading very stupidly

oh well, bring on the nachos

today was my first day back at my old job (the one that laid me off)


Im working savory, i went to school for and have spent most of my career doing pastry...
i went into work today have a very small idea of what i was going to be doing

It was Busy... the busiest it had been in a while according to my coworkers
i was so nervous the first few hours i had that awful, uncomfortable knot in my throat
i didnt drink anything for the first 3 or so hours

i ran all over the place, was confused a lot, got made fun of...
worked 11 hours
It was great

i now realize that maybe maybe i might be a masochist... or something similiar

i love pushing myself to extremes, seeing things i am scared shit-less of doing, and diving head first

i love being 5'2, 105 lbs, and running into a pit full of huge guys

but most importantly i really love my job, my career.
and there really are few things as satisfying to me as a good days work
and i really really love the way a drink taste after that day